I Never Picked to be a Fundamentalist

I never chose to be a fundamentalist Christian.  There are people in my family that would object to this statement, and perhaps they should.  When I was 8.5 years of age I walked to the front of the church as the congregation sang “Just As I am,” and I made a confession of my sins.  But really, I was not overcome with the sense that my sins were so great that I needed to make things right, or risk eternal damnation as the consequences of my delay.  My baptism was no surprise at all.  My mother had come to church carrying a change of “tighty whities” and a bath towel.  My father had called the preacher the night before and requested that he be allowed to baptize me. 

And I was just shy of 9 years of age.  What sins had I committed?

I had one, of course.  I had discovered, a few months before, that my pee-pee would sometimes get stiff and sensitive.  I explored this an noticed I could make “it” stay stiff and erupt with a sort of joy and leaving behind a sticky mess.  No one had ever told me this happens to boys sometimes.  Nevertheless, I was sure, without being told, that this was “sinful.”  The pee-pee was obviously dirty.  You were not suppose to show yours around.  You had to wash your hands after you peed.  Obviously the penis was a wicked shameful part of my body.  Add to that this general sense in my family and in my church that pleasure was bad, it was clear that my stiffies were sinful.  I also knew that there was some sort of connection to this thrilling secret part of me, and girls.    I was aware of ‘boobies” and while I had no idea what was between a little girl’s legs, I was sure it was going to be wonderful.  Just thinking about boobies, panties, and bras could make my pee-pee move about, and stiffen.  I was pretty sure all this was sinful stuff and I needed to be baptized. 

I had the idea that baptism might be a little like the polio vaccine.  If I could just get baptized, I’d never get stiff again, I’d never play with my secret, and I would stop fantasizing about girls.

Now, at 64 years of age, I think I was following the script as intended. It seems to me that there was a push on young children to get baptized around the same time as they start to get erection breasts and menses.   Baptism was, according to the church of Christ, reserved for adult conversion, there were no baptized babies in the churches of Christ, and the earliest you could be baptized was after you reached the age of accountability.  As far as I can tell the age of accountability occurred around the same time as one’s puberty.

While I certainly said that I was a sinner, and that I wanted to be baptized for the forgiveness of my sins, I do not see that  as a real choice to be a fundamentalist.  I mean, it is not like I considered the Roman Catholic Church, or the Episcopal Church, or the Unitarian church and compared those groups to the churches of Christ and that I then came to my own free and independent decision to reject those other churches because the churches of Christ seemed closer to the truth God would have me follow.  I didn’t even compare the churches of Christ to other fundamentalist groups.  I didn’t go down a Baptist/churches of Christ check list and opt for one over the other.  I was baptized and counted as a member of the church of Christ because my parents were members of the church of Christ.  And my parents did not join the church of Christ after carefully considering the other options and coming to their free and independent decision to reject all other possible denominations.  They too were born to parents who were members of the churches of Christ.

My father’s father was also born to someone who was a member and preacher for the churches of Christ.  I suppose, had I the information, I would find that someone, way back did consider at least some other options and opted for the churches of Christ.  There are probably people today that leave one church for another and sometimes they pick the church of Christ.  I’m just saying it did not happen to me, or my parents, or my parents’ parents.

I am actually, just now, making those comparisons.  For a time I rejected God, because I found fundamentalist Christianity dependent on ignorance and wishful thinking.  You see, I was raised in the one, and only true church.  I was taught that the church of Christ was the ONLY church on earth that was compliant with the word of God and while no one in the church of Christ claims to be perfect, they do not question the truth of the scriptures as interpreted by the churches of Christ.  We had the right answers to every question, and while we were imperfect people, the Bible was perfect and the church of Christ had searched the scriptures and discovered the proper understanding of those scriptures, and any church that had a different interpretation was wrong and their membership would be spending eternity in a lack of fire where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth and the worm is not consumed. 

If I lost my faith in the churches of Christ, well, there were no other choices.  There was nothing else to believe since I had lost my confidence in the answers supplied by the only one true church of Almighty God.  If the one true church was wrong, then I was done.  It has taken me a long time to see that there are no absolute answers, that the search for faith is always couched in approximations.  I have started to believe that religious faith has evolved just like biological organisms have evolved.    This blog is just a reflection of my search for faith.  I can no longer say I reject everything.  I also would not say I am open to anything.  What I hope is that I might be willing to let go of things I thought I knew in order to be open to truths I never dreamed were there.